Act 4

Enter Andrew, Toby, and Fabian.

ANDREW , to Sebastian Now, sir, have I met you again?
25 There’s for you. He strikes Sebastian.
SEBASTIAN , returning the blow Why, there’s for thee,
and there, and there.—Are all the people mad?
TOBY Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the
house.
FOOL , aside 30This will I tell my lady straight. I would
not be in some of your coats for twopence.
He exits.
TOBY , seizing Sebastian Come on, sir, hold!
ANDREW Nay, let him alone. I’ll go another way to
work with him. I’ll have an action of battery against
35 him, if there be any law in Illyria. Though I struck
him first, yet it’s no matter for that.
SEBASTIAN , to Toby Let go thy hand!
TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young
soldier, put up your iron. You are well fleshed.
40 Come on.
SEBASTIAN
I will be free from thee.
He pulls free and draws his sword.
What wouldst thou now?
If thou dar’st tempt me further, draw thy sword.
TOBY What, what? Nay, then, I must have an ounce or
45 two of this malapert blood from you.
He draws his sword.

Enter Olivia.

OLIVIA
Hold, Toby! On thy life I charge thee, hold!
TOBY Madam.
OLIVIA
Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,

 

50 Where manners ne’er were preached! Out of my
sight!—
Be not offended, dear Cesario.—
Rudesby, begone! Toby, Andrew, and Fabian exit.
I prithee, gentle friend,
55 Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botched up, that thou thereby
60 Mayst smile at this. Thou shalt not choose but go.
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me!
He started one poor heart of mine, in thee.
SEBASTIAN , aside
What relish is in this? How runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream.
65 Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA
Nay, come, I prithee. Would thou ’dst be ruled by
me!
SEBASTIAN
Madam, I will.
OLIVIA 70 O, say so, and so be!
They exit.

 

not tall enough to become the function well, nor
lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be
said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as
10 fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar.
The competitors enter.

Enter Toby and Maria.

TOBY Jove bless thee, Master Parson.
FOOL Bonos dies, Sir Toby; for, as the old hermit of
Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said
15 to a niece of King Gorboduc “That that is, is,” so I,
being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is
“that” but “that” and “is” but “is”?
TOBY To him, Sir Topas.
FOOL , disguising his voice What ho, I say! Peace in this
20 prison!
TOBY The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.

Malvolio within.

MALVOLIO Who calls there?
FOOL Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
the lunatic.
MALVOLIO 25Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to
my lady—
FOOL Out, hyperbolical fiend! How vexest thou this
man! Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
TOBY , aside Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO 30Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged.
Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have
laid me here in hideous darkness—
FOOL Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones
35 that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Sayst
thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO As hell, Sir Topas.

 

FOOL Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
and the clerestories toward the south-north
40 are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest
thou of obstruction?
MALVOLIO I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this
house is dark.
FOOL Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness
45 but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than
the Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO I say this house is as dark as ignorance,
though ignorance were as dark as hell. And I say
there was never man thus abused. I am no more
50 mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any
constant question.
FOOL What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning
wildfowl?
MALVOLIO That the soul of our grandam might haply
55 inhabit a bird.
FOOL What thinkst thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO I think nobly of the soul, and no way
approve his opinion.
FOOL Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness.
60 Thou shalt hold th’ opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock lest
thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee
well.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
TOBY 65My most exquisite Sir Topas!
FOOL Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA Thou mightst have done this without thy beard
and gown. He sees thee not.
TOBY To him in thine own voice, and bring me word
70 how thou find’st him. I would we were well rid
of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered,
I would he were, for I am now so far in
offense with my niece that I cannot pursue with

 

any safety this sport the upshot. Come by and by
75 to my chamber.
Toby and Maria exit.
FOOL sings, in his own voice
Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.
MALVOLIO Fool!
FOOL sings
My lady is unkind, perdy.
MALVOLIO 80Fool!
FOOL sings
Alas, why is she so?
MALVOLIO Fool, I say!
FOOL sings
She loves another—
Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO 85Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at
my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and
paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful
to thee for ’t.
FOOL Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO 90Ay, good Fool.
FOOL Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO Fool, there was never man so notoriously
abused. I am as well in my wits, Fool, as thou art.
FOOL But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be
95 no better in your wits than a Fool.
MALVOLIO They have here propertied me, keep me in
darkness, send ministers to me—asses!—and do
all they can to face me out of my wits.
FOOL Advise you what you say. The minister is here.
100 In the voice of Sir Topas. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy
wits the heavens restore. Endeavor thyself to sleep
and leave thy vain bibble-babble.
MALVOLIO Sir Topas!

 

FOOL , as Sir Topas Maintain no words with him, good
105 fellow. As Fool. Who, I, sir? Not I, sir! God buy
you, good Sir Topas. As Sir Topas. Marry, amen.
As Fool. I will, sir, I will.
MALVOLIO Fool! Fool! Fool, I say!
FOOL Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am
110 shent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO Good Fool, help me to some light and some
paper. I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any
man in Illyria.
FOOL Welladay that you were, sir!
MALVOLIO 115By this hand, I am. Good Fool, some ink,
paper, and light; and convey what I will set down to
my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the
bearing of letter did.
FOOL I will help you to ’t. But tell me true, are you not
120 mad indeed, or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.
FOOL Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his
brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
MALVOLIO Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree. I
125 prithee, begone.
FOOL sings
I am gone, sir, and anon, sir,
I’ll be with you again,
In a trice, like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain.
130 Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath,
Cries “aha!” to the devil;
Like a mad lad, “Pare thy nails, dad!
Adieu, goodman devil.”
He exits.

 

 

30 Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep
According to my birth. What do you say?
SEBASTIAN
I’ll follow this good man and go with you,
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
OLIVIA
35 Then lead the way, good father, and heavens so
shine
That they may fairly note this act of mine.
They exit.

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